What is wrong with knowing what you want and how you would like to be
treated by someone you love?
Some have called me high maintenance, clingy, needy, over bearing,
controlling, a slut, a slag, a pig, delusional and my personal favourite, crazy
bitch.
I am a 33-year-old, divorcee, slightly overweight, with cellulite, not
flawless or insta ready, slightly messy, university drop out, single mum.
I have a moderate job which pays alright but not amazingly. I curse, I
drink, I break wind, I quote excessively from friends and family guy and I
suffer with anxiety, stress, depression, panic attacks and Crohns.
I have been single on and off for
the last 8yrs, since the breakdown of my marriage nearly 10years ago. Since that point, I have
found it harder and harder to connect with people. I used to find it so easy to
talk/flirt with the opposite sex when I was younger and more care free. When
the normal way to meet, someone was to just be out and start talking to them. I
found internet dating so hard and completely unpersonable. Most of the time
you’re not the only person they’re dating and I hate that. And coming from a
small town, they’re usually dating someone you undoubtedly know.
Other single mums that I’ve known have found love and their partner who
completes them so easily. My best friend for example became single just 9mths
after the birth of her first son. The break up I must add was very traumatic
for her and absolutely horrible to watch my beautiful friend be in so much pain.
Anyways, she found it no problem finding actual real ass life boyfriends, that
didn’t mind her saying what she wanted. She knew what she wanted and after a
couple of frogs, she found it with her now husband. Gorgeous three further
children, gorgeous home the whole works. Yeah, they’ve had their ups and downs
but they’re only human. My point is she told her now husband that she wanted
marriage and kids and he didn’t run a mile. Don’t get me wrong she is
beautiful, clever, 5’9”, skinny, goddess. Those attributes certainly don’t hold
you back from getting what you want.
Another single mum that I’ve had the pleasure of knowing, was in the
same job as me, again had a very traumatic time with her ex, and I mean
traumatic, he was a mental wanker. But from that she came out fighting and not
that long ago was married.
Both very strong women, both not afraid to know what they want and when
they want it. I say the same thing and men either just want “fun”, run a bloody
mile, or just break my heart. Now I’m not saying on the first few dates that I
want a marriage proposal, kids etc. But what I do expect is a bit of bloody
respect. The same amount of respect that I would be giving that one person and
exclusivity. It’s not a lot to ask, it really isn’t. But saying this I’m not
perfect, id like to put that out there immediately. It’s probably me. All these
failed relationships and how men treat me, can’t all just be down to them. I’m
the common denominator in this. They seem to have no problems finding happiness
with other people even marry them after dating me. So, from this point I have
to ask myself, is the problem actually me? Am I cursed? Am I destined not to
have a meaningful relationship again? It must be me the reason why I can’t seem
to just be chilled in a relationship. I blame myself every day for being such a
disappointment to people I love, my friends, my boyfriends, my family, my
daughter.
When written down on paper, I know, I am not a very attractive
proposition. And in all honesty, if I read all the same attributes in a partner,
I would run a mile.
A lot of people say before you can love someone else you need to love
yourself first. And in all honesty, looking and thinking about all my years, I
have never truly loved myself and as terrible as it may sound, always wanted,
no craved, other people’s affection and want to feel loved by others.
It starts from an early age in girls. I know from my own experiences and
by watching my daughters, that getting male acceptance is a high priority in
any generation. From this stage, you go through most of your life thinking that
you will end up with that one person forever, no matter what. I don’t know why
a lot of girls need this acceptance? And I will hold my hands up 100% and say I
too, need this acceptance. I can’t tell you why, but I do. But this isn’t the
only acceptance that I need. I need to feel accepted from colleagues, family,
acquaintances, pretty much anybody. I can’t tell you why I want and need this
and I would absolutely love to just walk around not giving a flying fuck what
people think of me, but in all honesty, I care too much. I care about people’s
opinions not to the point where, every single thing I do goes on Facebook or Snapchat,
don’t get me wrong I put a lot of things on there but not my whole life. I’m
not one of these people that update other people on how perfect my life is,
because it isn’t!!
Life can be get so shit. I’m not saying, oh poor little me suffering
with mental problems, it must be so tough, there are worse things happening to
other people. This is what I’ve been told not just by people that don’t
understand mental disabilities but by people that claim love me. But I will go
through my struggles with this later.
I started writing this, as it was a kind of outlet for me, something to
rant at, to get angry at when all my frustrations and annoyances boil over
before they explode, and usually in the direction of one poor unexpecting
person. Again, I will get to that. That, in itself, is about 12 chapters long.
Point is, is that if someone reads this and even slightly understands in the
slightest how I feel and even help me get through some tough old thoughts that
go through my head, then that would be amazing. Because a lot of the time I
feel completely alone.
My mind has two speeds only, either it goes a million mile per hour or
its completely numb. No in between. It’s the same with my moods. I’m either,
really happy or really sad. There is never usually any in between. I’m complicated
but at the same time easy to get on with. Unless you’re that one person that
you take it out on that is. I guess that from of my previous outbursts that
some people that don’t actually know what I go through daily, would perceive it
as me being a crazy bitch. Which I get. Completely.
Whilst writing this is will go through a, almost, step by step through
my love life. The struggles I’ve faced. And I know before you even continue,
that there are most definitely more people in the world that struggle with more
things then I do. This is about my own thoughts, my struggles, my own
experiences and my own self-help book, for me. Now, just a heads up, there are
some very happy parts to this but there are also some very sad points too. Some,
absolutely ridiculous, things that I did for love and some absolutely horrible
things I did to people I loved. I have gone to great lengths to be accepted in
certain friendship groups, some things I’m not very proud of.
I have never done anything like this before and quite frankly just started because i was writing down my feelings after a bad and very toxic relationship.
This isn’t a blog to make people understand me or even try and reverse
the bad things I have done by blaming my mental disorder. This is not a self-help
blog. I am not a self-righteous mental illness crusader, pretending to know
about relationships/life/love/mental illness, because I don’t understand any of
it. I am not a professional in this field. I am a slightly normal woman, with
certain issues and obstacles wanting to understand why people act like they do
and ultimately why I act like I do in certain situations. This isn’t about
feeling sorry for myself or even make people to feel sorry for me. This is
about understanding why there is such a stigma, on mostly women, for knowing or
wanting a certain way to be treated.
Now this isn’t a story on how I found true love or how to play games to
make your potential partner interested (FYI I hate games and I’m rubbish at
them) or even how to find love because truth be told I’m starting to think, is
love even real? Or is just a pacebo effect we get told as children. Is there
really only one person out there for everyone? So this is my story of how life
will never turn out the way you plan, and it’s a story of how it doesn’t matter
how hard you try, you cannot control everything. It’s a story on how you should
value yourself and not let ANYONE tear you down. Be you, and if somebody
doesn’t like that version of you then they do not need to be in your life.
ALWAYS trust your gut instinct. If something doesn’t sit right it probably
isn’t.
In my life so far, there have been 5 poignant men in my life (not
including family). Don’t get me wrong there have been other men in between, other
men that were just bad and not worth mentioning but these men are the ones that
have truly impacted my life in one form or another.
Lets start with my first kiss.
NB
